My friend Lauren and I went to the Banff Mountain Film Festival in Denver last night. After we paid for our $8 PBRs, which we didn’t even know existed, we started looking around at the crowd, partaking in some excellent people watching. Everyone was dressed exactly alike. It was kind of ridiculous. We both started laughing when we saw these two guys that legitimately looked like twins, down to the matching hipster glasses. Our own wardrobe choices weren’t quite up to par. Lauren was close, with a North Face fleece jacket, but I was way overdressed. I knew I was going to be overdressed, however I really wanted to wear my new boots! Anyway, we quickly identified the ideal Colorado wardrobe, and I have compiled a handy guide so that no one is ever in a precarious position.
The Colorado girl:
The wardrobe for the Colorado girl begins with minimal makeup. Maybe some Burt’s Bees moisturizer if one is feeling particularly saucy. Sparkly eye shadow? Absolutely not.
Hair should also be minimally styled, preferably air dried. Ponytails or braids are acceptable, and hair feathers are also encouraged. I can’t talk too much smack on the hair feathers, because I actually want to get some of these myself.
Jewelry is allowed but only jewelry made of natural materials in earth tones. Ideally, the jewelry should be something you bought while on a backpacking trip across South America. You’re only as hardcore as your travel stories.
Black frame glasses are encouraged. If you are one of those lucky people with 20/20 vision, perhaps you should consider ponying up for some fake glasses.
For the actual wardrobe, we’ll begin with the top. An earth-tone shirt should be worn with a scarf. The shirt should come from J. Crew or be made of organic cotton and bought from a local boutique. Bonus points if the scarf is from Nepal.
Obviously, plaid flannel shirts are always an acceptable alternative.
For layering over the shirt and scarf or plaid shirt, one should wear Patagonia outerwear. There are three acceptable options within this category: the puffy vest, the puffy jacket, or the furry fleece.
On the bottom, skinny jeans are a must. True Religion, J Brand or Seven jeans only. No one ever said it was cheap to look so mountainous.
Finally, as far as footwear, Frye boots are a requirement.
The Colorado dude:
Don’t worry ladies, the Colorado dude also has stringent wardrobe requirements. Hair should not be overly styled and there should be absolutely no usage of hair gel or mousse. Scruffy facial hair definitely earns you bonus points.
Black frame glasses are also a requirement for the Colorado dude.
The plaid shirt is the quintessential part of the Colorado dude wardrobe. There is no acceptable alternative. Plaid shirts may come from J. Crew or Colorado dudes can pay $50 for an overpriced used shirt from a trendy vintage store.
Colorado dudes also must wear a genre of Patagonia outerwear. The puffy jacket is preferred. Soft-shell North Face jackets are the second best alternative but dude points will be subtracted.
Colorado dudes also must wear jeans. They should be the perfect fit – not too skinny or too loose. Black jeans are okay.
The ideal footwear for a Colorado dude is any type of retro Asics or Nike kicks. Converse and Tom’s are also acceptable. Think Urban Outfitters-esque. If it can be purchased at Urban Outfitters, it’s probably acceptable.
Acceptable Colorado dude accessories include beanies and watches. Watches should either be technical, GPS units or snowboarder appropriate, like Nixon watches.
In conclusion, I think we have all learned some lessons today. Namely, if you want to truly be a Colorado girl or dude, be prepared to invest. Secondly, Jake Gyllenhaal belongs in Colorado. Sorry Taylor Swift, I just think you are undeserving of Jake. Thirdly, I need Frye boots in my life, and I will begin campaigning the Easter bunny immediately.